There is nothing better than when Tennessee Football is winning. There is nothing worse than when Tennessee Basketball is disappointing.

No, not because I love basketball, which I do, or because of some deeper investment that I have than the casual Vol fan, but because of simple facts.

During Football Saturday’s in Tennessee there is so much to enjoy even if the Vols crush your spirit. Your friends are there, your family may be there, the food is tremendous, the girls in sundresses are lovely, the weather is largely enjoyable, and your thoughts are minimal:

“I hope Tennessee wins today.”

During Basketball season it’s cold. And snowy. And nasty. If you’re not being told to be inside by governments that are concerned that you’ll crash into a wall or be stranded on a highway and thus be a liability to them then you SHOULD be staying inside because it’s awful outside and all those things could happen. And your thoughts are complicated:

“Well if we just lost to (*Insert Good Team*) on the road, what does that mean in respect to how (*Insert Bubble Team*) is doing? And what about our non-conference record?”

More to the point, because you’re inside you’re surrounded by the same group of people all the time. When Tennessee loses, you’re in a bad mood and so is everyone you’re around.

AND YOU CAN NOT ESCAPE EACH OTHER.

Your bad mood due to a loss to Kentucky or Florida is exacerbated when you have to scrape ice off your car or move snow out of your way. Your bad mood is continued because all you do is move from one indoor area to another like a prison inmate. You cannot go outside for a walk because if you do you’re threatened with frost bite. You were looking to Tennessee Basketball as a salve to deal with the wound of winter and if it does not, it turns into the “Icy Hot in the Jockstrap” of winter.

This Tennessee Vols Basketball team is headed down a road it has seen before. A decent record and on the outside looking in on Selection Sunday and beyond. Those circumstances could change, but there is no evidence to support such optimism other than pure luck. Luck is a great thing. But not everyone has it. To wit, I am completely lucky in my writing life – I’ve been given the opportunity to write for this website – but if you’re looking for someone to lose big in a poker game, ALL of my friends look to me.

So if you’re looking for them to have luck this Selection Sunday, then you’re looking for luck in all the wrong places. Tennessee needs to hit the committee over the head repeatedly with their worthiness. This resume isn’t going to do that, anymore than my resume is going to make Goldman Sachs make me a partner with a signing bonus.

So this column presents a coping mechanism for the rest of the season. It’s an option, not a mandate, but we here at Football Time in Tennessee & Basketball Time in Tennessee would be remiss if we didn’t try to help you enjoy these months of snowy Hell stuck inside.

Here’s our best attempt.

When You Watch The Vols

Sip your drink every time Coach Martin is shown yelling about defense.

Finish your drink and do a shot every time you see Coach Martin yelling about offense.

Sip your drink if Tennessee bricks a three (Suggested by Reed)

Sip your drink with regret if their opponent hits a three

Do a shot if anyone mentions Bruce Pearl

Do a shot if anyone puts the Vols into the NCAA Tournament

Drink when the Vols are losing to Ole Miss & other fanbases that can’t spell

Do you have any additions or suggestions? Leave a comment below!