As Tennessee was in the midst of its search for the next Head Basketball Coach, a search that — in Dave Hart style — was filled with twists and turns and ultimately landed the right person for the job, I wrote this column about the criteria for The Four Things A Tennessee Basketball Coach Has To Be.

In that column, I asserted that the Head Basketball Coach was more important to the daily mood of the average Tennessean than either of their U.S. Senators. Which got me thinking: What are the rankings of the most important people in Tennessee to the daily lives of a state that loves sports but also has concerns about quality of life and equal opportunity?

The internet likes lists. So I made a list. It includes people only, because if I were to include WiFi it would be number 1 and I wouldn’t have to make a list.

A few other brief rules: Memphis is a cultural hub that has tentacles that reach into a variety of other states and, paradoxically, doesn’t always reach the rest of Tennessee. Upon weighing that, and liking Memphis, no Tigers appear on this list. And, obviously your family members are exempt as they have more impact on your day to day life than any of this.

Also, the President of the United States isn’t on this list because if we’re going to WWIII, this list has all the relevancy of a Tweet by Justin Bieber. By the way, maybe this is just me getting old, but I don’t get the hate for any singer anymore. We have iPods and Sirius Satellite Radio now. You really don’t have to hear any music that you’re not interested in. Even if you’re at a political convention, you can pretty much shrug off the fifth time you’ve heard “Happy” by Pharrell Williams, particularly if you’re like me and hadn’t heard it before. But I digress.

The point of this list is to target the most amount of impact per person in Tennessee. All told, these people, in this order, have more to do with your mood and the direction of the great State of Tennessee than any others.

Onward.

1) The Governor — The party the Governor belongs to matters in the sense that your own prism determines it matters, but the inherent power of the office remains the same. The Governor of the State of Tennessee manages a great many things that matter to you in your day to day life. Education. Economic development. Security. Social policy. Not to make this some dramatic Schoolhouse Rock column  nor do I want to do a dissertation on the Tennessee Constitution but just know that, whether it’s through inherent executive power, budgeting power, media leverage or through appointments, the person in this job impacts your day more than you probably know. Governors and Mayors aren’t like other politicians. They actually have to govern. While others can just fire off an opinion and then head to the next event,  even if you don’t like a particular Governor or Mayor, just know that they and their staff are working a lot harder and dealing with actual issues. These people actually have jobs. It’s different than the person you hate that appears frequently on Cable News.

2) The Head Football Coach of The University of Tennessee — The mood of an entire State, for months on end, is determined by the game decisions and recruiting prowess of this individual and those he empowers around him. The Governor of the State of Tennessee has the ability to charge you fees, create, sign and enforce laws that can put you in jail and controls how much of your tax dollars is spent on issues you agree with. But for sheer emotional control, Coach of the Vols has more ownership of the attention of the average Tennessean than a Governor could ever dream of attaining. This isn’t the hyperbole of a sports driven website. This is fact. Just ask Governor Bill Haslam here or here  (at the very end). Powerful people recognize other powerful forces.

3) The Men’s Basketball Coach of The University of Tennessee — This is a commentary on the ability of the Coach to produce things that will provoke joy in the daily lives of Tennessee fans. Politicians can’t do that. They can only “Do their job!” or “Oppose/Support that thing I feel strongly about!” But nothing a U.S. Senator can do will produce the joy of a victory over Florida or Kentucky. Can they write a law that helps you? Yes they can. The odds that it actually happens? Frankly it depends on the issue and for every one person who loves that law there is someone who hates that law. No one hates a win over Kentucky. A U.S. Senator/their staff can help you if you have a problem or they can wave at you when they march in a parade, but that’s about it. Part of the power is calendar related. It’s cold and miserable and the only thing that makes you happy is a Tennessee Basketball victory in middle February. Preparing for that, by keeping up with recruiting or camps or media interviews is both easier and more enjoyable than reading an email from your local congressperson. Also, more gratifying and more entertaining.

4) United States Senator from the State of Tennessee — They have the ability to procure huge amounts of money and to block appointments to major offices. By the nature of those two things, as residents of the United States of America where the money and those offices reside, they are noteworthy. They also can get things they’ve funded named after them in Tennessee and are statewide figures and answer to the voice of all Tennesseans when they’re up for re-election. Are they more noteworthy than any of the above mentioned folks?

No.

Why? Because they get six year contracts and get to serve them out. Can you imagine a Football or Men’s Basketball coach getting six years regardless of success? No. No you can’t. Most coaches get 4 years and if they’re doing poorly after three, they’re gone. The Governor only gets 4 years and if he/she is doing a terrible job will be pressured to announce that they’re not going to seek a second term after year three. That’s a signal that Tennesseans view it as more important to be able to remove and replace The Big Three than they do their Ambassador’s to the U.S. Senate. Also, it’s more important that The Big Three be engaging and funny. Senators aren’t required to do that. If you don’t believe me, look at the Senate.

5) The Women’s Basketball Coach of The University of Tennessee — This might be controversial, particularly in light of the appointments above, but as of this moment, this is appropriate. The legacy of Pat Summitt stands tall here. The excellence of her accomplishments mandates this spot for her successor Holly Warlick and the program. This is a part of the 2014 sports trinity at Tennessee. It is the last sport. That could change. But as of this moment, it is accurate.

6) Local Weather Person — At the most dire moments, this person predicts hurricanes, tornadoes, hail, or the pure hell of something they can’t properly explain that is on the way to your county. In 2011 in Knoxville, I spent a night in a bathtub with a dog and a cat that did not like each other watching the local news on my phone because we were having a “Weather Event.” Said weather event was near tornado style crazy winds and hail so vicious that it broke a window in my apartment and totaled my car. Seriously, I got over $2,000 for my beloved red Hyundai Tiburon after the weather got done pistol whipping her. All the while, it was the local weather people who let me know when it was safe to come out from the tub. So I will argue their importance. With the weather getting more and more dangerous, their importance to your day will only increase.

7) Local Mayor/County Executive — This person is responsible for fixing your potholes, managing your parks, making your area business friendly and dealing with the crazy people who flock to government buildings like moths to flame. This is different than a Governor, who gets the luxury of being remote in most instances. A local pol is local. A local pol has to be sure to keep up the: “I’ve seen you at the bar/post office/local reception/cub scout event/local tradition/parade and that means you’re one of us!” deal that local politicians sign up for. There are benefits to it, of course. Good mayors, like good coaches, get statues and/or portraits. Let’s be honest, having a statue built or a portrait painted in your honor is awesome. So much so that it’s worth dealing with Mr. & Mrs. Can’tBeHappy’s constant demands and lawsuits involving trees. But whether it’s event coordination, construction projects or worrying about crime, this person is a major figure in your life. But it’s limited to you. Where you live. This person is a random name to the rest of Tennessee. Which is why this person sits here, behind the weather. TV broadcasting being what it is, weather people cover larger areas than local politicians, as does weather. Which is why Mayor Quimby sits right here on this list.

8) Local Bartender — Finally! Someone who consistently induces happiness. Is that happiness potentially dangerous? All happiness is! Even the really awesome kind that you dream about. But the local barkeep can make sure the folks are happy often. They are also in charge of keeping the social order in line. This is a vital job, in actuality. Unlike those above, the Local Bartender rarely has to announce major news that will make you sad. They do have to announce “Closing Time” which is often quite sad, but doesn’t have to be.  They also get to be the first bit of happiness some have that day. This is a position of serious honor. Take it seriously. These people are vital in every town. Particularly when there is a dry county next door.

9) Local Member of Congress — This person is in charge of getting money from the federal government to spend in your area whilst simultaneously complaining about how much money the federal government spends. So this person is important and also a hypocrite. But they’re your hypocrite. They also may get to write laws, but probably not. They can vote on laws, but most of what gets voted on doesn’t really become laws these days. Also, depending on the district, they may be in charge of saying crazy things in order to let people know that they’re “On Our Side” whatever that means. Seriously the job interview for this position is something like this:

“Do you like saying things that cable news says you should say? You do? AWESOME! Do you like calling people for money? Really? Okay, that’s good but creepy. Do you like large portions of America hating your guts? Good, that’s…useful. You’re really okay with that? Huh. Well, congrats, you’re going to be in Congress. Bring back the big bucks.”

10) Local State Legislator — Also in charge of bringing money back to your area but, because of balanced budget rules, in charge of complaining that your area isn’t getting enough money. Of all the gigs on this list, this is probably the best one. No, it isn’t that much money. No, it isn’t that much attention. But most aren’t out to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. Most are looking to have a comfortable life. This is a comfortable life. Yes, there are constituent issues involved, but most people aren’t going to bother you. You get to spend plenty of time in Nashville, which is awesome, and you can have another job at the same time. If you’re smart, you’ll also be involved in drawing your own district, so huzzah no worry about losing an election! No, really that’s how it works! Because it’s a part time job, despite the fact that it’s pretty sweet, it rounds out our list. Please keep me in mind for this gig in the coming years.

Honorable Mention: Police Officers, Lawyers & Judges — If you can help it, avoid needing to deal with these folks in any context that isn’t social. If you’re dealing with them, it’s because something bad has likely happened: an arrest, a real estate transaction, a marriage, etc. Once that bad thing has happened, these folks shoot to number 1 in your life fairly quickly. But hopefully that’s a very brief stay.

Other Honorable Mention: Local Religious Figures — I don’t have a joke for this, because I’m not insane.

Last Honorable Mention: Bruce Pearl — Because some will never get over him.

Dishonorable Mention: John Calipari & Nick Saban — HE GOT ANOTHER 5 STAR RECRUIT?!?!? OH FOR #%@!’s SAKE!!!!!

So there you have it, Vol Nation, your definitive rankings on what outside forces impact your lives the most. I look forward to your critiques in the comments section below. Troll responsibly.